Future Perfect
Friday, 28 October 2005
This is the full version of a very truncated column that was published in the Oct. 28 edition of The Moscow Times. Due to a transmission error on my part, more than half of the column did not make it through to the paper. Apologies to any MT readers out there.
WASHINGTON, March 12, 2007 -- Calvin J. Hooper was sworn in today as the 49th President of the United States in a quiet ceremony that many hope will put an end to a tumultuous period that has seen the inauguration and resignation of five chief executives in the 12 months since former president George W. Bush fled the country for exile in Saudi Arabia.
Hooper's ascent to the presidency has been meteoric, to say the least. Two weeks ago, he was a part-time city councilman in Salt Lick, Tennessee (pop. 1300). But following the indictment of most recent president Ken Mehlman on racketeering charges for his alleged involvement in the Jack Abramoff-Tom Delay crime ring, a frantic search of computer records found that Hooper was the only elected Republican official in America who had neither been paid off by the ring nor was complicit in the so-called "Nurembergate Scandal," the wide-ranging government conspiracy to launch a war of aggression against Iraq on false pretenses. More than 1,427 Republican officials have been convicted in the two ongoing investigations, and a further 927 are now under indictment, including former presidents Dennis Hastert, Colin Powell, Karen Hughes and Scott McClellan.
Once located, Hooper was quickly named to fill the Congressional seat vacated by Tennessee Representative Zach Wamp, who was forced to resign after being indicted in the Abramoff-DeLay probe. Hooper was then immediately elected Speaker of the House, which made him second in line to the presidency, as the vice presidency has been left vacant since the conviction of former veep Dick Cheney in one of the first Nurembergate trials in early 2006. Upon Mehlman's resignation, Hooper became president.
He was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts, in what is likely to be the judge's last official act. Roberts has been indicted for conspiracy to facilitate torture and perverting the course of justice, and is expected to resign after his arraignment hearing next week. The charges stem from a ruling Roberts made as an appeals judge in 2005, when he approved Bush's "military tribunal" system, an illegal, unconstitutional scheme that gave the president the arbitrary power to dispose of captives in the Terror War -- and every U.S. citizen as well -- as he saw fit, outside all existing legal norms and protections. Roberts was actively negotiating with the Bush team for a slot on the Supreme Court at the time of the ruling. It is now alleged that his elevation to the court was a political payoff for his dubious decision on the now-discredited and outlawed tribunal system.
Hooper 's inauguration was held in the banquet room of the Georgetown Ramada Inn, the only venue in Washington willing to host the event after the previous year 'sfive inaugural ceremonies left behind millions in unpaid debts following the sudden resignations of the indicted presidents. Hooper pledged to build "a new era of honesty and lawfulness in government, a new policy of constructive engagement with the global community, and a new sidewalk in front of my mama'shouse." The latter was "the main reason I got into politics in the first place," the new president told an inaugural crowd estimated at 35-40. Although he has been on the Salt Lick council for three years, Hooper has to date been unsucessful in getting the sidewalk repaved. "Let's see 'em try to palm us off with hot tar and gravel now," he exulted at the inaugural. "It better be solid cement from Mama's yard all the way down to the feed store."
The new president received immediate pledges of bipartisan support from Democratic leaders. "We think the American people want unity and closure in these difficult times," said Senator Hillary Clinton of New York. "They don't want us to take partisan political advantage of the Republicans'little spot of bother." The quiet, consensus politics of the opposition party is a carry-over from the 2006 mid-term elections, when, to the astonishment of most experts, the Democrats failed to retake Congress, despite the fact that 85 percent of the Republican incumbents were either in jail, under indictment or had joined Bush's so-called "holy remnant" of exiles in Medina. Some attributed the Democrats' lackluster showing to the official campaign slogans the national party adopted in 2006: "The War: We Can Do It Better" and "Corporations: What'sNot to Like?"
Leading Democrats also lauded Hooper'sintention to "stay the course" in the war. Democratic Senator Joe Biden of Delaware urged Hooper to send "at least 100,000 more troops" to the MEWZ (the Greater Middle East War Zone), which now encompasses Iraq, Iran, Syria, Lebanon and the West Bank. Biden said the extra soldiers could be gathered from the vast, roaming mobs of homeless people dispossessed by the draconian 2005 Bankruptcy Bill championed by Biden on behalf of the credit card companies headquartered in his state. These "Joeboes," as they are now called, could fill up to 10 new divisions for front-line duty, Biden said.
Meanwhile, the ex-leader whose panicky flight set off the spiraling chaos that has engulfed the American political system was sanguine about the latest imbroglio. "These pretenders come and go, but one day soon I will return to reclaim my birthright," Bush said in a phone interview from his cubicle at the headquarters of the BinLadin Group, where he now works as a junior market analyst. The wealthy Saudi family, which helped launch Bush in business in the 1970s, took him in after his indictment for war crimes last year. On his days off, Bush holds court with his "remnant" at the Medina Starbucks, where he signs "executive orders" prepared by Karl Rove, plots geopolitical strategy with Condi Rice and occasionally launches "pre-emptive" food fights against nearby tables of "suspected terrorists."
"Tell Hooper to leave my stuff alone," Bush said just before his supervisor told him to get back to work. "I got some pretzels in my desk that better be there when I get back."
Link Here
This is the full version of a very truncated column that was published in the Oct. 28 edition of The Moscow Times. Due to a transmission error on my part, more than half of the column did not make it through to the paper. Apologies to any MT readers out there.
WASHINGTON, March 12, 2007 -- Calvin J. Hooper was sworn in today as the 49th President of the United States in a quiet ceremony that many hope will put an end to a tumultuous period that has seen the inauguration and resignation of five chief executives in the 12 months since former president George W. Bush fled the country for exile in Saudi Arabia.
Hooper's ascent to the presidency has been meteoric, to say the least. Two weeks ago, he was a part-time city councilman in Salt Lick, Tennessee (pop. 1300). But following the indictment of most recent president Ken Mehlman on racketeering charges for his alleged involvement in the Jack Abramoff-Tom Delay crime ring, a frantic search of computer records found that Hooper was the only elected Republican official in America who had neither been paid off by the ring nor was complicit in the so-called "Nurembergate Scandal," the wide-ranging government conspiracy to launch a war of aggression against Iraq on false pretenses. More than 1,427 Republican officials have been convicted in the two ongoing investigations, and a further 927 are now under indictment, including former presidents Dennis Hastert, Colin Powell, Karen Hughes and Scott McClellan.
Once located, Hooper was quickly named to fill the Congressional seat vacated by Tennessee Representative Zach Wamp, who was forced to resign after being indicted in the Abramoff-DeLay probe. Hooper was then immediately elected Speaker of the House, which made him second in line to the presidency, as the vice presidency has been left vacant since the conviction of former veep Dick Cheney in one of the first Nurembergate trials in early 2006. Upon Mehlman's resignation, Hooper became president.
He was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts, in what is likely to be the judge's last official act. Roberts has been indicted for conspiracy to facilitate torture and perverting the course of justice, and is expected to resign after his arraignment hearing next week. The charges stem from a ruling Roberts made as an appeals judge in 2005, when he approved Bush's "military tribunal" system, an illegal, unconstitutional scheme that gave the president the arbitrary power to dispose of captives in the Terror War -- and every U.S. citizen as well -- as he saw fit, outside all existing legal norms and protections. Roberts was actively negotiating with the Bush team for a slot on the Supreme Court at the time of the ruling. It is now alleged that his elevation to the court was a political payoff for his dubious decision on the now-discredited and outlawed tribunal system.
Hooper 's inauguration was held in the banquet room of the Georgetown Ramada Inn, the only venue in Washington willing to host the event after the previous year 'sfive inaugural ceremonies left behind millions in unpaid debts following the sudden resignations of the indicted presidents. Hooper pledged to build "a new era of honesty and lawfulness in government, a new policy of constructive engagement with the global community, and a new sidewalk in front of my mama'shouse." The latter was "the main reason I got into politics in the first place," the new president told an inaugural crowd estimated at 35-40. Although he has been on the Salt Lick council for three years, Hooper has to date been unsucessful in getting the sidewalk repaved. "Let's see 'em try to palm us off with hot tar and gravel now," he exulted at the inaugural. "It better be solid cement from Mama's yard all the way down to the feed store."
The new president received immediate pledges of bipartisan support from Democratic leaders. "We think the American people want unity and closure in these difficult times," said Senator Hillary Clinton of New York. "They don't want us to take partisan political advantage of the Republicans'little spot of bother." The quiet, consensus politics of the opposition party is a carry-over from the 2006 mid-term elections, when, to the astonishment of most experts, the Democrats failed to retake Congress, despite the fact that 85 percent of the Republican incumbents were either in jail, under indictment or had joined Bush's so-called "holy remnant" of exiles in Medina. Some attributed the Democrats' lackluster showing to the official campaign slogans the national party adopted in 2006: "The War: We Can Do It Better" and "Corporations: What'sNot to Like?"
Leading Democrats also lauded Hooper'sintention to "stay the course" in the war. Democratic Senator Joe Biden of Delaware urged Hooper to send "at least 100,000 more troops" to the MEWZ (the Greater Middle East War Zone), which now encompasses Iraq, Iran, Syria, Lebanon and the West Bank. Biden said the extra soldiers could be gathered from the vast, roaming mobs of homeless people dispossessed by the draconian 2005 Bankruptcy Bill championed by Biden on behalf of the credit card companies headquartered in his state. These "Joeboes," as they are now called, could fill up to 10 new divisions for front-line duty, Biden said.
Meanwhile, the ex-leader whose panicky flight set off the spiraling chaos that has engulfed the American political system was sanguine about the latest imbroglio. "These pretenders come and go, but one day soon I will return to reclaim my birthright," Bush said in a phone interview from his cubicle at the headquarters of the BinLadin Group, where he now works as a junior market analyst. The wealthy Saudi family, which helped launch Bush in business in the 1970s, took him in after his indictment for war crimes last year. On his days off, Bush holds court with his "remnant" at the Medina Starbucks, where he signs "executive orders" prepared by Karl Rove, plots geopolitical strategy with Condi Rice and occasionally launches "pre-emptive" food fights against nearby tables of "suspected terrorists."
"Tell Hooper to leave my stuff alone," Bush said just before his supervisor told him to get back to work. "I got some pretzels in my desk that better be there when I get back."
Link Here
posted by Kangaroo Brisbane Australia at 3:14 PM
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