Message From Mahmoud! Dear President Bush: We’ve Got Lots In Common

The New York Observer Bruce Feirstein May 10, 2006 at 12:19 PM
READ MORE: George W. Bush, 2006

By Bruce Feirstein

From the A.P., May 8, 2006: “Iran’s leader has written to President Bush, in the first letter from an Iranian head of state to an American President in 27 years, a government spokesman said Monday. “In the letter, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proposes ‘new solutions for getting out of international problems.’”

Dear President Bush:

Long time, no talk. What has it been, 27 years? To some, an eternity. But for those of us who look back fondly on the golden age of the caliphate—632 to 1517, give or take a few decades—it is truly nothing. A glitch. A blip. A hiccup. A mere blink of an eye in the grand sweep of history.

Yes, I know. It’s nobody’s fault. We’ve both been busy. Too busy to write, or even call—what with raising families, waging war, and generally fighting off the infidels who would undermine our authority.

I don’t have to tell you, George: It’s lonely at the top, no matter where you are.

But as we both know, somebody’s got to be the decider.

Which is why the real truth here is that, for all our differences, we actually have lots in common, and many points of mutual interest.

Call me crazy, but:

—You’re a former oilman. I sit on one of the world’s great reserves of crude. Coincidence? I think not!

—You claim to speak directly with your all-knowing God, who you believe blesses your actions and guides your hand. Funny thing: Me too! I have the same conversations with my God. Five times a day!

—You pay lip service to the “high moral ideals” of the U.N., but, in fact, really believe that it’s a corrupt and toothless debating society, whose resolutions you’re more than willing to ignore when you decide it’s in your own best interests to “go it alone.” Again, funny thing: Me too!

—You work day and night like a dog—shaking hands at meet-and-greets, posing for photo ops and delivering endlessly calculated speeches—all designed to solidify your political base, keep the disbelievers in line, and appease the demands of your more outspoken (and vaguely lunatic) co-religionists. Once again, funny thing: Me too!

—And then there are the similarities of our college years: While you were knocking ’em back at Yale keg parties, I was storming the American Embassy, taking hostages. Ah! The follies of our youth! Such indiscretions! What a way to pick up chicks! Fun while it lasted, wasn’t it?

In any case, Georgie, I think you can see where I’m going with all this: You’re down in the polls, facing impeachment if the midterm elections don’t go your way; I’m looking at millions of unemployed twentysomethings who don’t want nukes so much as they want their MTV. So, in short, we need each other. We can help each other. We can use each other. And here’s what I’m proposing:

1) Let’s both sign up for personal home pages at MySpace.Com and link our profiles to each other. It’s young. It’s fresh. It’s hip. And the way things are going in this world, I’m likely to be your first, and only, friend. It’s not much, but it’s definitely a start.

2) Keep Tom Cruise employed. I don’t know about you, but to me, TomKat seemed increasingly unhinged, even before the M:I:III box-office figures were released. He’s not quite Michael Jackson yet …. But the last thing I need is another crazed celebrity moving into the neighborhood. So do me a favor: Call Rupert at Fox and see if you can get him a role in the next Mel Gibson movie.

3) Get the hell out of Iraq. Now.

4) Would you mind looking the other way while we wipe Israel off the map?

Obviously, these are only a few of the ways we can begin to help each other and lessen world tensions. Here are a few more:

1) Prison Swap. I’ll take Guantánamo, you get Tehran Super Max. But first let’s lock up all the journalists. Deal?

CONTINUED1 2 NEXT

Link Here