Ed Naha: 'The best little whore house in D.C.'

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The MSM has finally woken up to this country's dissatisfaction over the Quagmire in Iraq, thanks to Cindy Sheehan. That's a good thing. It's two years late, but a good thing nonetheless. Watching these galvanized correspondents swarm around Crawford like ants at a picnic, I'm struck by one thought.

Where the hell were these intrepid reporters last month when two bills sailed through Congress that will kick our wallets out the door and into the trash heap? I'm talking, of course, about the Transportation and Energy bills, both stuffed with enough pork to make Jimmy Dean gag.

As a result of these bills, I think we should just change the name of Congress to mirror what it really is: The Best Little Whore House in D.C. Although visions of Hastert, DeLay and Frist in black fishnet are disturbing, they reflect the political Kama Sutra stances these oafs have taken while lobbyists stuffed millions down their governmental g-strings. (What would that make Bush, the Pimp-in-Chief?)

We have a highway bill that isn't about highways and an energy bill that isn't about energy. We're screwed. Come to think about it, any time Bush declares a "victory" in Congress? We're screwed.

The 286.5 billion highway bill is a beaut. It contains at least $24 billion in pork, or special add-ons. This is a bill that shouldn't have been passed. It should have been sold in a deli. When the President of the United States can only defend it by ignoring the transportation aspect of it and stating: "The bill ... is going to help give hundreds of thousands of Americans good paying jobs," you know you're in deep doo-doo. We're paying for members of Congress to take bows before their job-starved voters.

The bill contains more than 6,300 bogus projects.

I love the smell of chicanery in the morning.

Republicans have lost all sense of shame. The porcine transportation bill shows just how much Republicans, who won control of Congress after the November 1994 election by vowing to cut government spending, have betrayed their principles and the people they represent. Their so-called fiscally responsible "Contract For America" has morphed into "A Contract On America." Big surprise.

(It should be pointed out that the spineless Democrats did nothing to stop this tsunami of spending, either. Bigger surprise.)

Among the gems in this bill?

$3,000,000 to renovate and expand the National Packard Museum and adjacent Packard facilities in Warren, OH. The Packard museum is dedicated to the vintage Packard autos. It's open only five hours a day. It DOES focus on cars, though, so there's a tangential connection.

$300,000 to purchase a trolley bus for Yonkers, New York, because everyone in Yonkers misses those trolley cars from a hundred friggin' years ago.

$2,500,000 for landscaping enhancements along the Ronald Reagan Freeway in California for aesthetic purposes. WHAT? Yeah, we wouldn't want people to be bummed while driving on a tasteless freeway.

$7,268,486 for the Vermont Association of Snow Travelers to build the Lamoille Valley Rail Trail, a new snowmobile trail in Vermont. This trail would be part of the network of trails managed by VAST, a private organization in Vermont that builds and maintains these facilities. I don't know about you, but when I think gridlock? I think snowmobiles.

$3,200,000 to acquire a site, to design and to construct an interpretative center as well as enhance a trail corridor in the Daniel Boone Wilderness Trail Corridor. It's doubtful that ol' Daniel thought of a trail as a major thoroughfare.

$1,500,000 to upgrade roads in Itta Bena (U.S. Hwy 82 and 7) and in the vicinity of Viking Range Corp. (U.S. Hwy 7 and 49) in Leflore, Mississippi. Viking Range Corp. makes kitchen appliances. I guess some of them might have wheels.

$1,500,000 for planning, design, site acquisition and construction for a trail system and visitors center on Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia at the Rocky Knob Heritage Center. The emphasis on trails is actually very beneficial to Americans. Very few people experience the horrors of 'trail rage.'

$850,000 for the construction of bicycle and trolley path in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. WHAT? Nothing for scooters?

$377,500 to construct a parking facility and improve access to the Imperial Valley Expo in California...because the Imperial Valley Expo is right up there with the Coliseum when it comes to tourists.

$1,500,000 to install lighting and steps, and upgrade existing trail systems and equip interpretative center with visitor information at the Blue Ridge Music Center in Virginia. Maybe it's just me, but if you're dumb enough to use trails after dark? You don't deserve lights. You deserve to fall on your ass.

$4,000,000-for a Graffiti Elimination Program including Kings Highway from Ocean Parkway to McDonald Avenue in Queens and Brooklyn. Um. A few brushes and a good cleanser would cost a lot less.

$14,000,000 for the construction of I-69 between Evansville and Indianapolis, Indiana, part of a NAFTA corridor from Canada to Mexico that will cost taxpayers $10 billion or more in total. Soon, illegals can travel in style.

$40,000 for a trolley barn in Harrison, AR. (What is it with these trolleys???)

$2,000,000 -for a parking facility in Bozeman, MT., because we all know that meters are passe.

$1,040,000 for a transportation museum on the Navy Pier in Chicago, IL. Hey. When I want a cultural experience? It's a transportation museum every time. Screw Van Gogh!

$2 million to replace an elevated highway in Manhattan with a tunnel so Donald Trump can put up a new building.

$1.6 million for a waterfront walkway honoring Frank Sinatra in his hometown of Hoboken, N.J. You won't find yourself sleeping with the fishes but you probably can spot a few.

$100,000 for a traffic light in Canoga Park, Calif. One hell of a traffic light that must be!

A provision granting tax credits for liquor wholesalers. If you must drink and drive? Let the taxpayers foot the bill.

For American taxpayers, the Highway Bill is the equivalent of being told to "bend over" by a prostitute wearing a "strap on." And nothing was made of this by the press. So, while we were distracted? Ouch! Well, you get the idea. Take a long shower.

The most hilarious (if you enjoy crying while you chortle) example of pork in the bill was the money tossed Alaska's way.

Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, brought home lots of bacon -- nearly $1 billion. Here are some projects that got funding:

$250 million earmarked for a bridge in Anchorage to be named Don Young Way.

Young's crown jewel, however, is the infamous "bridge to nowhere" in Ketchikan. "Rising 200 feet above water and almost as long as the Golden Gate on San Francisco Bay, the bridge will link this tourist-oriented town at the southern tip of the state to an island with about 50 inhabitants and an airport with fewer than 10 flights a day," said "The Houston Chronicle."

The cost of the bridge, $223 million, is more than 13 times what the Rio Grande Valley received for an area with a population of more than 1 million people. Is it just a coincidence that the chairman of the House Transportation Committee is Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska? Duuuhh.

Congress also tossed in $3 million to pay for a documentary film about Alaska. The subject is how Alaska is spending money on its highways. Presumably, it will be done in the grand style of "Porky's."

Young even bragged to "The Anchorage Daily News," "I stuffed (this bill) like a turkey...the state's going to do great out of this bill."

It should be noted that Alaska, the third least-populated state, got the fourth most money for special projects.

Bush, who threatened to veto any bill over $284 billion, changed his tune and called this bloated black eye to taxpayers "fiscally responsible." What's a coupla billion between whores? Lawmakers were actually sending out press releases bragging about their accomplishments before the bill was even passed.

Keith Ashdown, vice-president of the watchdog group Taxpayers for Common sense didn't quite share Bush's view.

"It leaves the nation stuck in traffic gridlock, but greases the wheels of powerful politicians," Ashdown said. "This bill is by far the most expensive, wasteful highway bill in the nation's history."

"It's sort of like building highways by ransom," said Stephen Slivinski, a budget analyst at the libertarian Cato Institute. "They divide the spoils in exchange for a vote on the bill."

Tom Schatz, president of Citizens Against Government Waste, was also unimpressed by the Bush brigade's brand of fiscal responsibility. "This transportation bill is one of the biggest boondoggles in the history of federal spending," he noted. "It's a symbol of why everything else is out of control, not just highways."

The Republican-led Congress loves their boondoggles. It should be noted that, under President Eisenhower, there were 2 special projects. 152 under Reagan. 1,850 under Clinton.

The Bushistas? 6,376.

Not content with squandering money via the transportation bill, Congress also decided to pork us with the energy bill which, depending on how you add things up, will cost either $12.3 billion or $14.6 billion or, most likely, way more.

The 1,724 page bill doesn't really address any of our energy problems. It does, however, include billions of dollars in tax breaks and other subsidies to the oil and gas industries, subsidizes the revamping of the nuclear power industry, streamlines the awarding of Bureau of Land Management drilling permits, authorizes seismic blasting in sensitive marine areas to gauge offshore oil reserves (in spite of the fact that most of these areas have an oil drilling moratorium in effect), exempts oil and gas companies from Safe Drinking Water Act requirements when they inject fluids into the earth in their hydraulic fracturing process, gives the federal government new eminent-domain powers to kick folks off their property and clear paths for power lines and, my personal favorite, eases restrictions for exporting bomb-grade uranium.

You know a bill reeks of corruption when the President's own energy secretary, Samuel Bodman, conceded that oil and gas companies "don't need incentives with oil and gas prices being what they are today."

The icing on the cake was provided by the House's happiest hooker, Tom DeLay, who snuck in an extra $1.5 billion (that's with a "b") for his Sugar Land cronies after the bill left committee and no one could object. DeLay's provision is not subject to the normal congressional appropriations process and at least 75% of the money will go to a private consortium in DeLay's district, the Research Partnership to Secure Energy for America. One of the companies that is part of the consortium is Halliburton.

The group can pretty much spend the money on anything having to do with oil or gas, with 10% of the moolah being tagged for "administration expenses."

(By the by, in the last two years, oil and electric companies have spent $367 million to persuade Congress of the need for an energy bill. Congress was easily persuaded.)

Now, I wonder why there weren't more news stories decrying these spending benders? Could it be that the mainstream media didn't find this "sexy" enough? Maybe. Could it be that this was just perceived as business as usual in D.C.? Perhaps.

What I really think happened is this: the news media somehow feels it's unpatriotic to criticizes Congress. After all, we're at war! (Or whatever we're calling it, today.)

Besides, all good patriotic Americans should be proud of their elected officials! These guys and gals stand tall! They're set in their ways! They have a vision, dagnabbit! They're gonna keep on keepin' on. They don't have to bow to the paltry wishes and needs of the people.

So be proud, Americans. The Bush Administration has given us the finest Congress money can buy!

Talk about a legacy!

2005: The Year of the Congressional Lap Dance.

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