You Say You Want a Revolution

So it’s the Teabaggers v the Sane. Alrighty, then, let’s do this.

But first, we have to get the ground rules straight.

Right off the bat, I think it imperative that we begin with a level playing field – and that field is gonna take a hell of a lot of leveling.

First off, you (the “Teabaggers”) have to stop griping about being called Teabaggers. You picked the name; we didn’t. The uniforms have already been delivered – and you’ll be wearing them. There’s no turning back now. (Next revolution, you might want to investigate the origins of your name, and perhaps choose more wisely).

Speaking of uniforms, we’ve chosen tasteful, everyday attire. It would seem you have chosen sweatshirts that desecrate the American flag by plastering it over your flabby stomachs and substantial butts. If you have reconsidered this choice, please advise.

Please be more specific in your complaints. Placards that read “Keep the guvmint’s hands off my Medicaid” have us confused. Being as Medicaid is now, always has been, and always will be a guvmint-run program, we’re not quite sure what you’re bitchin’ about. We stand ready to be enlightened.

In a Revolution, just as in all things, communication is key. While we, the Sane, have not taken up the cause of making English "are offical language", we do actually speak it fluently, and can communicate coherently. If you need a time-out to familiarize yourself with spelling and grammar, we are more than happy to accomodate you.

Choosing a leader is also important. We’ve chosen President Barack Obama. We will need to know who your “leader” is forthwith. (Note: If you are leaning towards Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh, you should be aware that skill-testing questions, along with drug-testing, will be required.) Again, if you need more time to come up with a leader who can pass either, we are willing to afford you whatever time is necessary.

No backsies – once you’re in, you’re in. This means that we can use public roads, highways, libraries (“liberrries” to you, and we figure there won’t be much of an argument from your side when it comes to their use) – and you can’t. You don’t believe the government should be “intruding” into your personal lives by building/maintaining same. So be it.

There will be no government hand-outs to you or yours – by way of medical treatment if you are injured, Social Security payments, food stamps, welfare, etc. We, on the other hand, will be free to benefit from any and all government “intrusion” into our lives.

Strictly off-limits: wiretapping citizens without a warrant, relegating dissenters to “free speech zones”, arresting and incarcerating anyone as “enemy combatants” without due process of law, subjecting anyone to torture – you know, all that fun stuff you people are so enamored of.

You cannot label anyone as a socialist or communist without being able to coherently and accurately define those terms. We cannot label anyone as an ill-informed douchebag without defining those terms – and we can, just so’s ya know.

Our “official spokespeople” will be named at a later date. We are still choosing from among the many Ph.D.s, Nobel Peace Prize recipients, Pulitzer award winners, and internationally renowned among our ranks. We are assuming you’ll be going with Hannity or Beck – or some other ill-informed douchebag who graduated Come-Loud from the Ding Dong School of Political Wherewithal. Please advise at your earliest convenience.

As in all Great Battles, the overwhelming question is: Whose side God is on?

Well, we’ve done some fact-checking (something you’re unfamiliar with, but you can Google it for a full explanation of the exercise) – and lo and behold, it seems that we who are concerned about the “least among us”, who consider ourselves “our brother’s keeper”, and have this thing about “doing unto others as we would have done unto ourselves” have a definite advantage with this long-haired, commie-pinko guy from way back – yeah, the same guy YOU drag out and re-hang on a cross whenever convenient!

I’m not saying we all believe in his divinity, or ability to save wretches like you from your just rewards – but damn, you can’t miss the fact that he’s more like one of us than one of you. And I hear he’s got some sway with his Dad.

Contrary to popular belief, the Revolution WILL be televised. So please leave your hooded robes at home – white sheets wrapped around pasty white faces tend to come across on-screen as a bland misrepresentation of what America looks like in reality – and, oh, yes, forgot to mention: reality is in play here. Sorry about that. But there will be a home version of the game for all runners-up, a suitable consolation prize for those who mistakenly thought bigotry, homophobia, AND cluelessness were the winning answers.

Now that the rules of engagement have been established, we await your response.

Operators are standing by. And to avoid any further confusion, please use Spellcheck before replying.
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